I cried on the way home from church yesterday. I guess it's ok because a lot of people feel emotional at Easter at church. He is risen! Except that's not why I was crying. I was crying because I feel like a dry, wrinkly sponge that has nothing left to give and just got run over by a car. Somehow there had been a tiny bit of life left, but now that moisture is squeezed out onto the pavement. The reserves are empty.
I know this is what we signed up for, BUT GOD can't you see what they're going to do?
You know Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day? (The book, I didn't see the movie.) I feel like that. My ankle is twisted, my back is killing me, I'm not sleeping, the kids are a wreck, my husband is sick, my house is a construction zone, and tomorrow a stranger in a black robe gets to determine the future of my family. It has been a terrible horrible no good very bad season.
I know you say you're here, BUT GOD it feels like we're all alone and falling apart.
And yet, God amazes me with his blessings. I try to wallow, but my friends and family won't let me! Already this morning, three people have texted me that they were praying for us. Everyone keeps bringing us good food! Come on, guys, just when I was going to let the darkness suck me in! Darn you all for pouring life into me when I feel like I'm ready to give up...
“My flesh and my heart fail; BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps. 73:26).
I am not looking forward to tomorrow. Sitting. Waiting. Saying difficult things. Hearing difficult things. (Probably being told to talk slower.) I'm going to cry either way. No, more likely, I'm going to steel myself like a robot and walk around with a smile that says 'I believe' even if I'm screaming inside. Or more likely, dead inside. Given up.
BUT GOD who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us... made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)
I must remind myself three thousand times a day that, whatever the outcome, this was the good plan from the beginning. We were always marching towards this endgame. Nothing I did changed God's plan, and nothing anyone else did hindered Him from accomplishing His intentions.
For the battle is not yours, BUT GOD’s. (2 Chron 20:15)
I DO need to give up! I need to give up on myself. Stop thinking that I have anything inside me to give. Understand that I've never had anything worthwhile here inside myself. Just like the calling to foster parent was from Him, the sustaining power to DO IT has always been from Him.
We were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. BUT GOD... comforts the downcast. (2 Cor 7:6)
Thank you, everyone, for your support. It's been an amazing 754 days. I'll let you know how day 755 goes.
By the way, a fourth and then fifth person just texted me. Literally right as I'm typing.
I hear you, Lord. Thank you.