waiting for tomorrow

Photo from usgwarchives.net

I can't handle another emotional adrenaline rush, so I'm just enjoying today. Tomorrow we go to court. Again.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow and yesterday and the irony of Mother's Day and court falling a day apart.

I'm thinking about a giant pile of dirty dishes and who's going to fold all this laundry. I went to the gym and did a normal work-out (as opposed to the angry work-outs where I set personal bests). I went to the grocery store. I need to get gas in the van at some point.

Normal Monday. Actually, better: fun Monday!

Because life is real, and time is moving forward. And tomorrow is coming, whether there's a continuance on "Tuesday, May 16" or not, eventually there will be a day--some day--before the actual decision is made. Because this can't go on forever. This won't go on forever.

Eventually, someone will bang a gavel and my head will be in my hands and I'll swear under my breath and hug my husband, and then we'll know.

But not until then. 

So today, I'm enjoying a happy day of snuggles. I rocked lil' man all the way to sleep before nap, something I haven't take the time to do as often as he's gotten older. I hummed a lot. I did all the mommy things that busy mommies don't get to do enough. I put my nose on his nose and tickled him. I sniffed his ears to make him laugh. I looked through his beautiful, beautiful, beautiful newborn pictures and told him all about how tiny he was two years ago. He pointed and called himself "baby." I wiped banana out of his hair and then yogurt out of his hair and then white powder from cheese puffs out of his hair, and then I told him I was thinking about cutting off his hair, and he giggled, and I laughed because he's the cutest little dude. I changed his diaper twice, and I got him his "nana" which is his blankie, of course. Because I'm his mommy and mommies know that.

And you know what? I haven't cried. Because I'm his mommy today, and he's my son right now. 

Redbox Recap

Hubby and I don't get to the movies a lot, except when there's something with "star" in the title. Then, we make the effort to get a babysitter. Other than that, we are big streamers and occasional Redboxers. This week, we sort of Redbox binged. Is that a thing? Because we did it.

Passengers

Yes. Yes. This movie was excellent. Too much sexy business for being comfortable, but that would be my only complaint. Great acting from two of my favorite Hollywooders. I thought this movie far excelled its trailer which made it look a little boiler-plate-space-accident to me. The story was more complex than I expected, considering I watch, um, a LOT of science fiction.

50 points each awarded to Parks 'n' Rec and the Hunger Games franchise.

Assassin's Creed

No, snooze. I'm not a gamer, but I really enjoyed the parts of this game that I watched my husband play. And, you need to understand, I'm not a good wife who watches my husband play video games. So, for me to say that I watched a game means it was cool. I also love Michael Fassbender, so I was really disappointed. They made the Animus some sort of Doc-Oc-inspired wild arm contraption instead of, um, a chair? Also, I do understand that the crusades were an AWFUL, AWFUL thing, but I sensed the producers jumped on the opportunity to show Christians as murderous wretches with too much glee.

3 points awarded to XBOX Widows Anonymous.

La La Land

LOVED IT. Channeled White Christmas, South Pacific, Music Man, all of the old R&H musicals I loved growing up and still love. So. Good. Ryan Gosling is so adorably perfect and awkward and laughing while he's dancing. They just seem to be enjoying themselves!  I can see why some people didn't like the ending, but I loved it. LOVED IT. Also, don't think the That Thing You Do reference eluded me! Just really couldn't have been better. Emma Stone deserves her awards. There were SO MANY scenes where she didn't even speak and her face just told the story. I mean, that is talent.

75 points awarded to tap shoes and upside down canoes.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

This was tons of fun! Not wonderful, but very enjoyable to watch. My favorite character was Queenie (hysterical), and my favorite actor was Eddie Redmayne as the lead. I love awkward, and he just charmed it! The beasts were fun, but I felt like there wasn't quite enough substance to the story. I did like the ending surprise, BUT, unfortunately, that surprise also made the entire thing feel like the opening scene of a better movie. I don't like watching a first-in-a-series that feels like a first-in-a-series: a two-hour setup for something else. I'd rather watch a really great stand-alone movie and think, "I hope they make a sequel!"

35 points awarded to "why is the rum gone?"

beta readers: how to teach your fish to read

Spoiler: This post does not include directions to teach a fish to read. But that would be SOOOO awesome. Does anyone do that?!

Beta readers. What are they? They are the pre-readers who look at manuscripts before they turn into books. Non-professionals. So, me.  I've been a beta reader for one friend on two manuscripts, and I'm just starting a new manuscript for someone else.

So, where do the fish come in?

The fish, of course, is spelled with two t's: Betta. A good proofreader might have caught that, but maybe not a pre-reader. We aren't professionals, and our job isn't to correct grammar and spelling. (Although I still do, because I'm a control freak.) We are supposed to make suggestions that improve the story, enhance the setting, or ask questions to expose plot holes.

I was so lucky to have a bunch of beta readers for The Senator's Youngest Daughter. I'm sort of considering everyone who reads it to be a beta reader, in fact, since it was my first novel-length work.

Being invited into someone's newly minted story is so exciting! The writer is full of comments like "it isn't perfect yet" and looking terrified when they hand it to you. Meanwhile, as the reader, I have that gleeful "Mommy, can I have that candy?" look in my eye because I'm so excited! This person is trusting me with a special part of themselves -- their brain-child, the product of all their creativity, the sum of effort over months/years.

My kitchen is under reno right now (YAY!), and everything is unpolished. You can see the whole thing starting to come together, but the counter's not on and the floor is all covered up, and the cabinets have no handles... you can imagine what it will be but it isn't all there yet.

I think that's why I like being a beta reader. Even if there's a gap instead of a dishwasher, I can mentally put the dishwasher in its place. Even if there's some questions left unanswered, I can still enjoy the story. I'll probably make an incoherent note at the end like this: Wj did she lev the bus at time fur? and the author will have to Facebook message me at 12:06 am (because that's when we write) and ask me to translate. 

And I'll be like, I don't know, but ask your fish. He can always read my handwriting.

Worth it

So much anticipation over nothing. So much tossing and turning and not sleeping. So much time spent waiting in an uncomfortable chair!

Another continuance. Another moment where the local courts laugh in the face of the federally mandated 15-month period for permanency for children in "the system." As we enter month 28, do you think anyone feels bad? Does anyone with authority think, "Hey, maybe they wrote that law because there's good research that shows this kind of nonsense dramatically affects a child's long-term mental health." 

And yet, we persevere.

What keeps me going is the firm, unwavering, unshakable truth that God already knew this was coming. I have to confess, I wasn't immediately pleasant when I was told to go home without even entering the courtroom. Without anyone even cracking open his case file. Without anyone even saying his name. Just, "We overbooked. Go home. We'll call you to reschedule."

No "I'm sorry."

No "This is unfortunate."

Just "This happens."

Why don't they just say the rest of the sentence? "This happens because we don't consider this case a priority." Or worse yet, "This happens because we don't consider this child a priority." 

"The system" is so ugly. But I choose to believe that there are still glimmers of hope. There are still people who care. Not all of them -- I'm not going to pretend that some of the people aren't wildly inexperienced newbies regurgitating liberal nonsense from their newly minted Masters degree or that others aren't jaded old toads -- I think some are. But there are a few gems who are doing this for the right reason. 

Guys, this kid is precious. Unbelievably worth it.  Overwhelmingly valuable.  As many times as I have questioned being part of a system I believe to be devastatingly broken, I have never questioned my commitment to him. I love him so dearly. He is beloved, cherished, treasured.

And today, tonight, tomorrow, he is safe. 

I rest in God's neverending faithfulness to him and to me.

I have thought so many times these late days how when God called my husband and I to be foster parents, that meant he was calling all of you to our journey as well. You became grandma, aunt, friend, prayer warrior, weekly nursery hugger to this child -- without having asked for it. I am so grateful, grateful beyond words, for your selfless willingness to fill this role. Not one of you has complained to me of the difficult road we've chosen for you to walk. Thank you for loving our little guy with us. You have abundantly enriched his life. Whatever God's plan for his future, you have been a wonderful part of his story.

But God

I cried on the way home from church yesterday. I guess it's ok because a lot of people feel emotional at Easter at church. He is risen! Except that's not why I was crying. I was crying because I feel like a dry, wrinkly sponge that has nothing left to give and just got run over by a car. Somehow there had been a tiny bit of life left, but now that moisture is squeezed out onto the pavement. The reserves are empty.

Wrung out. 

I know this is what we signed up for, BUT GOD can't you see what they're going to do?

You know Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day? (The book, I didn't see the movie.) I feel like that. My ankle is twisted, my back is killing me, I'm not sleeping, the kids are a wreck, my husband is sick, my house is a construction zone, and tomorrow a stranger in a black robe gets to determine the future of my family.  It has been a terrible horrible no good very bad season.

I know you say you're here, BUT GOD it feels like we're all alone and falling apart.

And yet, God amazes me with his blessings. I try to wallow, but my friends and family won't let me! Already this morning, three people have texted me that they were praying for us. Everyone keeps bringing us good food! Come on, guys, just when I was going to let the darkness suck me in! Darn you all for pouring life into me when I feel like I'm ready to give up...

“My flesh and my heart fail; BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps. 73:26).

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. Sitting. Waiting. Saying difficult things. Hearing difficult things. (Probably being told to talk slower.) I'm going to cry either way. No, more likely, I'm going to steel myself like a robot and walk around with a smile that says 'I believe' even if I'm screaming inside. Or more likely, dead inside. Given up.

BUT GOD who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us... made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)

I must remind myself three thousand times a day that, whatever the outcome, this was the good plan from the beginning. We were always marching towards this endgame. Nothing I did changed God's plan, and nothing anyone else did hindered Him from accomplishing His intentions.

For the battle is not yours, BUT GOD’s. (2 Chron 20:15)

I DO need to give up! I need to give up on myself. Stop thinking that I have anything inside me to give. Understand that I've never had anything worthwhile here inside myself. Just like the calling to foster parent was from Him, the sustaining power to DO IT has always been from Him.

We were harassed at every turn—conflicts on the outside, fears within. BUT GOD... comforts the downcast. (2 Cor 7:6)

Thank you, everyone, for your support. It's been an amazing 754 days. I'll let you know how day 755 goes.

By the way, a fourth and then fifth person just texted me. Literally right as I'm typing.

I hear you, Lord.  Thank you.

My Five-Day Countdown

Five days until a judge determines the future of my family.

Or will he? 

I choose to embrace the truth that in five days we will simply find out what God has had planned from the beginning. It isn’t a decision to be made; it’s a decision that has already been made. And it is GOOD, my friends. I don’t even know the outcome yet, but God’s decision is GOOD.

On Tuesday, we find out if my son is my son or not.

Sort of.

He’ll still be him. I’ll still be me. But if the judge decides to separate us and send him with his other mommy, will I still be Mama? I guess so. Maybe in a different way? Nothing will ever change that I was his Mama for two years, but it may not remain so as he grows up. I'll tell you Tuesday.

Do you grow out of being someone’s son? I don’t think I’ll grow out of being his Mama.

It’s weird to think that in two years, something so relevant about my life will be no more than a memory. Either his presence in our family will be a bittersweet, aching but fond memory, or this ever-present cloud of painful uncertainty will be a bad dream if he becomes forever ours.

Isaiah 55:8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”