mother's day for mom-mom

Dear Mom-Mom,

I didn't buy you a Mother's Day card again this year. Twelve years and I still teared up at Wal-Mart when I passed the "mother's day for grandma" cards.

This morning I smiled when I thought how you would be really excited about my flowers. This is just the right week for a visit to my garden. I trimmed all the dead daffodils, so everything out there is looking right on the verge of an lively explosion. The peonies have buds, the allium is open... there's just green everywhere. I think it would make you happy. I don't remember if you had a lot of flowers... I just remember how green your yard was. I remember riding Big Wheels down your hill, rolling down your hill, and I remember the stepping stones out your back door... grey against bright green grass. 

I drove by your house a few years ago and sat in front of it like a person in a movie, waiting for you to open the front door and wave me inside. You didn't, though.

You would love to watch my kids. My boys are way too loud, and I know you'd tell me that--but then you'd smile and tell me a story about something out-of-control I did at their age. (There are a lot of those stories.) Their pictures would be everywhere in your home--school pictures, pictures they drew, pictures of my mom (your baby!) holding her grandkids, pictures of the kids all together at holidays. There would be pictures of you at everything my boys do--I know you would show up to school presentations, grandparents' day, church stuff. You'd just be there.

I think you'd like my new kitchen. I remember when you redid yours--from green and yellow into pink and blue. So chic! Mine is gray. You'd be excited because you love new things. Pretty things. You'd open my cabinets and comment on where the tupperware would be easiest to reach. Your feet would slide just a little on the floor when you walked.

You'd be really good at using your cell phone, I know it. I think you would text, but you'd complain that everything was too small. You are still the only senior I can think of who loved technology. Would you still be making a monthly newsletter for your Twalker friends? Maybe you'd be using Pop-Pop's pictures but if you were here he'd use a digital camera.

Wow, we never went to Target together. Lancaster didn't even have a Target then. How could we have never gone to Target together? You would love Target. 

You'd be at the mall a lot. You do love the mall.  Park City looks really different, but you'd like it. And you'd buy us a pretzel when we--no wait, scratch that, you'd tell Pop-Pop to buy us a pretzel while you showed us something pretty you bought (but you saved the receipt because you might return it) and ask what I bought and introduce the kids to the people you were with because you know everyone in the center court, and maybe I'd get introduced just once more as "the one you wanted to be a boy."

I think of you when I make cookies. With butternilk. Yes, I still use the recipe with the typo. Butternilk cookies. 

Almost thirteen years since I've seen you... how is that possible? How have you never met my children? How have you never seen my house? How are all these things true and real when you are not a part of them? It's so weird to have you there for everything and then you're gone.

I have your canning jars upstairs, and when I use them I cry. I don't cry because I'm sad.  I know you're happy! So happy!  I cry for myself because I miss you and I cry for my mom because she doesn't have her mom and I cry for my kids because they've only seen your picture and never got a hug from you and never smelled your shirt and never heard your laugh and that's sad. Because your laugh was awesome. 

I will forever have the "Hello-Kelley" way you greeted me on the phone. I will forever remember weird things you said to me that hurt my feelings--not because you were insensitive or cruel but because you were human and so much like me. I hope I'm like you, at least. Your funny words are a reminder to me that words matter. Because I'm full of words! I know I used to drive you bananas--you told me right to my face once, in fact.  

Boy did you SHOW UP for things. Every picture of you is at something--graduation, plays, concerts, games--you showed up. A presence at everything. Hopefully, I pray, never taken for granted.

I miss you so much. Happy Mother's Day.

Love.

Kelley Rose

Fatherhood and foster care

‘Fatherhood’ is the only answer I give when people ask what will fix what I often call the ‘broken’ foster care system. While better judges, faster timelines, and addressing caseworker burnout may help ease some of the stress on the overburdened American foster care system, it won’t fix anything. The only thing that will? Dads.

If you can’t trust me from experience, check out these incredible stats on the importance of fathers. The very long list includes that children who grow up without a father are 4x more likely to be in poverty, 2x more likely to drop out of high school, and—perhaps the most disturbing—7x more likely to become pregnant as a teen [1].

What happened to fatherhood?

The U.S. Census Bureau says 1 in 3 children in America live without a father. In fact, from 1960 to 2016, the percentage of children living with only their mother nearly tripled from 8 to 23 percent [2]. Unfortunately, emphasizing any differences (i.e. improvements) a dad brings to a child’s life leaves you at risk of becoming the enemy of the Big Abortion Political Machine in our country.

But, wait. Why would the abortion industry want to diminish the role of fathers?

Here’s their rub: if the country begins to admit that dads offer a worthwhile contribution to parenthood, we inch closer to giving dads rights to their unborn children. Keep in mind that the Supreme Court has ruled that fathers have no rights when it comes to their unborn children. Even requiring a spouse's consent for a married woman's abortion is unconstitutional (Planned Parenthood v. Danforth), they say, and the unborn child’s father doesn’t even have to be notified after one occurs (Planned Parenthood v. Casey).

A big reason there are half a million children in the American foster care system is to protect abortion.

Seems counter-intuitive, right? If ‘unplanned’ or ‘unwanted’ pregnancies are ended, there should be fewer ‘unprepared’ or ‘unequipped’ parents, right? Shouldn’t there be fewer kids who need foster care? (I say this only to repeat the line I’ve heard from others, not intending to give credence to the disturbing idea that a child is better off dead in the womb than living in foster care.) Unfortunately for the witty-rally-sign-writers, that isn’t the case. Yes, I’m pleased to know that the abortion rate in the United States is at its lowest since 1973 [3]. But even though non-permanent contraception use has increased [4] (and while the overall rate of contraceptive use exceeds 60% [5]), unplanned pregnancies still account for nearly half (45% or 2.8 million) of the 6.1 million pregnancies in the United States each year [6]. Bottom line: we hand out condoms at high schools, the government pays for birth control pills, and we encourage abortion-on-demand, but the rate of children in foster care continues to increase [7]. (Side note, if you’ve read the so-called “Romania case study” about how abortion bans lead to overwhelmed orphanages, please read this.)

Let me explain.

Abortion is big business. Allowing fathers the right to preserve their unborn children would put a huge roadblock in the way of this cash cow. So, abortion has been labelled a ‘women’s rights issue’ to silence men from having a fair voice in the future of their child’s life.

Unfortunately, because this movement loudly labels fatherhood as obsolete to protect abortion, they are also eroding the reality of American fatherhood and hurting kids who need daddies and other male figures in their lives today. Remember the stat above that children who grow up without a father are four times more likely to live in poverty? Sobering. And the last large-scale study related to fatherhood and foster care found that more than half of children in foster care came from single, female-headed households [8]. The media screams that we can redefine a ‘family,’ but the ‘family’ simply doesn’t work as well without dad.

Even if a mother choses to make an adoption plan for her unborn child, dads can be dramatically shortchanged by an obscure law. Did you know there’s a system in most states called a paternity registry? Probably not. But since NO state requires a pregnant, unmarried woman to report the name of her child’s father, registering in this system (that almost no one knows about) is the only way a biological father can be guaranteed to receive notification or a voice in court [9]. In other words, a dad could be fully prepared to raise his child, but if his girlfriend changes her mind, she can give birth and legalize his child’s adoption without even telling him. (This is Christopher Emanuel’s story.)

The talk of toxic masculinity and the (necessary) #MeToo movement are making it difficult to talk positively about men these days, but we need to be willing to discuss the possibility that the breakdown of the family—and the removal of a consistent, positive male role model—is what is causing a lot of our country’s problems. We need to be willing to address that the lack of fatherhood has led to tidal waves of children overwhelming the American foster care system.

If you think I’m only talking about the kids today, it’s bigger than that. I’m talking about the kids thirty, twenty, and fifteen years ago. I’m talking about the kids RAISED without dads in the 90s and 2000s who are now semi-adults or adults. I’m talking about the girl who was raised by a single mom and is now a mom of teens herself. I’m talking about the boy who was raised without ever seeing a role model of what successful manhood looks like [10]. I’m talking about the child two, three, and four generations into the hijacking of feminism who was raised by a single woman who was raised by a single woman… We’re oceans deep into no-daddies-necessary, and it’s drowning us.

The only thing that will fix foster care on a large scale is the acknowledgement of God’s design and admitting that:

1. having a father in the home statistically improves children’s lives, and

2. a stable, loving family is the ideal place to raise a child.

The solution to fixing the foster care system is the long-term, systematic promotion of positive fatherhood.

[1] https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statistics

[2] https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2016/cb16-192.html

[3] https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2017/us-abortion-rate-continues-decline-hits-historic-low

[4] Long-acting reversible contraceptive (LARC) methods, including the IUD and implant  https://www.guttmacher.org/article/2017/10/contraceptive-method-use-united-states-trends-and-characteristics-between-2008-2012

[5] https://www.guttmacher.org/news-release/2017/overall-contraceptive-use-united-states-remained-steady-2008-2014

[6] https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states

[7] https://www.acf.hhs.gov/media/press/2017/number-of-children-in-foster-care-continues-to-increase

[8] National Study of Protective, Preventive, and Reunification Services, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

[9] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/paternity-registry/396044/

[10] I want to clarify that a Christian, two-parent family is not the ONLY possible circumstance to raise healthy kids, and I’m not advocating some sort of mandated two-parent household where widows and widowers lose their children. And I’m certainly not suggesting that a single mother should ever, EVER EVER stay with an abusive father.

Published in Nashville Christian Family

Pleased that one of my parenting blogs was re-published in Nashville Christian Family. You can read it online here (Page 9).

Book Review: Folly

I've read Laurie King before, but in a very different setting: Sherlock Holmes, to be precise. I wouldn't normally pick up a book that promises to "keep you up at night" because--hey--I have kids and my own nightmares to do that. However, the recommendation was really compelling, so I decided to give it a try.

Glad I did!

This book really kept my attention, but not in a terrified way. It was unsettling more than creepy, and I definitely wouldn't classify it as horror. Also, hard to call it a "thriller" when 90% of the book describes the protagonist rebuilding an old house on a beautifully forested, albeit deserted, island in the northern Pacific. 

Rae (a retired woodworking artist) has the saddest life story ever, but the book doesn't make you dwell on the darkness of her past. The experiences are presented in flashbacks to help you understand who Rae is (childhood neglect, debilitating mental health issues, sudden great loss, assault), but you aren't as the reader forced to experience these traumatic events which is something I personally don't handle well. 

The narrative is broken by journal entries from Rae, occasional correspondence, and a journal from her great-uncle Desmond, the previous owner of the house she is rebuilding. Everything weaves a very interesting tale of generational issues and PTSD (his from WW2 and hers from abuse and assault).

The tricky thing is a few random, sinister and threatening messages from an author the reader can't identify. Rae is quick to believe that anything strange she experiences is due to forgetfulness or hallucinations, but there's obviously more going on than she wants to think possible.

As the reader, you are usually left to assume that what Rae tells you is true, but Laurie King also intersperses what Rae calls "her own Watcher" where she sometimes has a sense that her mental illness is affecting her perception of a situation. It's explained that in the middle of a panic attack, Rae becomes aware that she's experiencing a panic attack and that can help her reason a bit. Rae describes it as the difference between her 'fear'--because she has had very real reasons to be afraid--and her 'anxiety,' when every twig snap sounds like a man behind her, poised to attack.

I enjoyed all three elements of the story: watching the house (named 'Folly') be rebuilt, interpreting the actions of Rae's stalker, and feeling Rae find peace and begin to heal.

Stormy Waters

The Lord directly ministers to me through my children's morning Bible lessons. So many times, I've found myself with three little faces staring at me while I weep over breakfast cereal. Somehow, just the right story is always on the next page. God reaches down and shakes my shoulders with His truth before my morning chai is even gone.

We read "Jesus Stills the Storm" this morning. I choked up as read the line, "Master, don't you care that we are about to drown?" How impertinent to speak to Jesus... in the exact way I speak to Jesus in my prayers.

The funny thing is, at least in the ESV, the impertinence is really only found in Mark 4. (Luke 8 and Matthew 8 each relay a softer 'we are perishing.') Was Mark the only disciple who felt like I feel sometimes?

DON'T YOU CARE? DO YOU EVEN SEE THIS? I shout, pounding my chest like Lt. Dan as the stormy waters soak my hair and threaten to sweep me overboard. It's an ugly picture, and Jesus in mere moments will rebuke their lack of faith. Because you know what they never had to yell? They never had to yell, "WHERE ARE YOU?"

Do you know why? BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE BOAT. The Creator of the universe was in their boat.

I AM NOT ALONE. When it's stormy, when it's pouring rain, when the wind is so strong I can't take a deep breath... I am not alone. He is in the boat with me.

Wow.

Today I will cling to the truth that my Savior is in this boat with me. And in HIS perfect timing, the storm will cease. 

"They had never before heard of anyone who could command the wind and waves like this. It was almost like Creation week, when God said 'Let there be light!' ... and the world was made at His command. Now the Creator had spoken again and creation recognized His voice."

(Quote from Life of Christ, by Beka Horton and Fannelle Shepperson, A Beka Book)

Hast thou not seen?

I'm trying to sulk about my foster care frustrations today. It was such a perfect day for it. Cold, pouring rain. The day after both a holiday weekend AND my son's birthday when the let-down of all the celebration drops you into the gutter. 

The good news is that good friends don't let you sulk. They are understanding of the challenges in my life, but don't let me wallow. Much encouragement, more prayer--that's what I get. And that's what I need!

Also, I turned on Pandora and Fernando Ortega started singing Praise to the Lord the Almighty:

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty,
  the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy
  health and salvation!
    All ye who hear,
Now to His temple draw near;
Sing now in glad adoration!

Praise to the Lord, who o’er all
  things so wondrously reigneth,
Who, as on wings of an eagle,
  uplifteth, sustaineth.
    Hast thou not seen
How thy desires all have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who hath fearfully,
  wondrously, made thee!
Health hath vouchsafed and, when
  heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
    What need or grief
Ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper
  thy work and defend thee,
Who from the heavens the streams of
  His mercy doth send thee.
    Ponder anew
What the Almighty can do,
Who with His love doth befriend thee.

Praise to the Lord! Oh, let all that
  is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come
  now with praises before Him!
    Let the Amen
Sound from His people again;
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

Several lines of this song are just what I needed today:

• Hast thou not seen how thy desires all have been granted in what He ordaineth? This line always brings to mind Gladiator when Russell Crowe yells, "Are you not entertained?" (I'm not intending to be irreverent.) The fighter's question cuts off the "how could you possibly NOT be?" That's the tone of this excellent question from the hymn. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR YOU? HOW COULD YOU EVER DOUBT?
• What need or grief ever hath failed of relief? Same thing. Basically, "Name one failure. Oh, none? Didn't think so." He's always been there. Is there now. Always will be there.
• Ponder anew what the Almighty can do. I need to type that one again, bigger.

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do!

Amazing how quickly I forget what He has done, what He can do. Ponder ANEW -- think on it again. Come back to it. Dwell on it. Think about it in new ways. Imagine it bigger, better, and more amazing each time you consider it.

This brings me back to my favorite verse (and frankly a much better mood than I started this in):

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
    his mercies never come to an end;

 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.