women's clothing sizes are the new stars of "whose line it is anyway?"

Do you remember how Drew Carey used to open Whose Line Is It Anyway? (Which is one of the funniest shows of all time.) "The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter."  This is precisely how I feel about women's clothing sizes. Everything's made up and the numbers don't matter.

I have two new articles of clothing this week. One is an XS and one is an XL. What is that? I'm just one me. I was having a micro-tantrum on the way home from the mall because there's nothing more frustrating than putting on clothing items that don't fit AT ALL and feeling like a overstuffed sausage with a muffin top or like a kid wearing daddy's suit to fourth grade career day. (Mixed Metaphor Alert)

I actually complained to my husband that if something I wear on the outside (a shirt) is an XS, and something I wear on the inside (foundation garment) is an XL, I'm pretty sure that makes me the TARDIS -- bigger on the inside. 

My question to the clothing manufacturers is, "Why can there not be some consistency?" I don't care if I'm a small, a large, or a quad XL. I really, honestly, truly do not. But I don't want to have to put on NINE SIZES of your item to find the right one. All that does is leave stores full of clothing hung the wrong way on the hanger and with someone else's gross deodorant stripes on anything dark.

These are the tags from some of the most frequently worn items in my wardrobe. I didn't go through my closet and try to find extreme sizes from my before-kids-flat-stomach days or from my just-had-a-baby-but-trying-to-not-wear-maternity-clothes days. Seriously, these are all from items I wear regularly right now. Are these people kidding me? My 'favorite' discovery was noticing that there are a few single brands that I have a huge size range in. This is insanely unacceptable. 

Am I an extra-small, small, medium, large, or XL? Am I a 2, 4, 6, 8, 10? Who's to say? Obviously not the people who make clothing! They have no idea.

What if Toyota was like, "The new Camry will suit your family perfectly! It has between 3 and 7 seats, depending on the color." What if General Mills was like, "We sell cereal in boxes ranging between 12 and 79 ounces, but they will all be labelled as containing 4 metric tons." Would we all be like, "That's fine, I'll just hold it up against me and stretch it a little side-to-side until I find one that seems like it would work?"

WHAT ARE THESE MANUFACTURERS TRYING TO DO TO ME? Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND.

Men's clothing at least pretends to tell you the truth. Their sizes are at least based on the pretense of inches. Obviously, there's gonna be some variation because some of you carry more booty than others, so certain styles are going to be more flattering than others. But at least you know where to begin! I find a shirt I like and usually grab three to start for my FIRST run to the fitting room.  

#amiright

Look, clothing shopping is wildly infuriating anyway. This color washes me out. This fabric is itchy. This shirt is too short. This sweater is frumpy. These pants pinch the backs of my knees when I squat. These leggings are see-through. This tag is like a small cactus. These straps are too skinny. Why are they selling a shirt that says MILF on the front in the Juniors Department?!? OR AT ALL?? 

Do we really need one more thing about shopping to be frustrating?

I do want to be sure I am abundantly clear here that I'm not complaining that the number of letter on an item of clothing is saying I'm bigger or smaller than I want to be. I could be a size 0, a size 40, or a new size they've affectionately named 'lumpy panda but with a nice personality' as long as it was the same everywhere I shop.

speaking of funny stuff

Parenting is embarrassing if you're the kind of person who blushes at the thought of carrying a vomit-soaked pillow out to the garbage can in your pajamas. (Which I'm lucky not to be.)

If I was with you right now, swapping stories over a chai (which, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is like coffee except it tastes delicious instead of like you're drinking something you scraped off your shoes), I think I could make you laugh. Sometimes, our household is full of same-old-same-old (the classic "buddy, why are you naked?" and "sweetie, how did you get another black eye?"), but this has been a pretty fruitful week for new funny stories. 

You're welcome in advance -- I will spare you all the puke pillow story, but trust me, it was... potent.

So, we're out to breakfast and I pull out Mickey Mouse stickers to entertain the brood. As if in a movie, one child starts rhyming "Donald Duck, Bonald BUCK, FONALD--" and I'm not kidding, my son shouted the f-word in a restaurant full of retirees eating egg whites.

Also, my 3yo just handed me a toy phone, and when I said, "Hello?" he replied, "Yes, hello, this is Darth Sideous." 

I'm lucky to have an understanding husband because I was full of antics and shenanigans this week.

But then there was also a really sweet moment where my son and his cousin were collecting pretty rocks and calling them "jewels of righteousness" which was pretty epic.  Sunday school FTW!!

And when the other son and his other cousin wore matching PJs and he made this terrifying zombie face.

I hope he gets that expression from his daddy's side.

i can't see the stars

Something sad is happening in my life right now. Everyone wants to know what they can do to help. The truth is, since there's nothing you can do to change it, there's nothing you can do. 

But then... there's also everything you can do. The best offer I get is from the people who say they're praying for us and mean it. Not the people who say it because it's tradition, but the people who do it. The best moments of my hard days are the moments I get a text saying "how can I pray for you right now?" or "I'm just checking in with you" or "do you need anything today?"

When I know someone is praying for me, the room is full again. I don't feel that I'm alone in this dark cave. I imagine myself in those moments, kneeling with that friend at the foot of the Throne of Grace, just pouring out my heart. These are the friends who gets me through angry moments -- the friends who take my hand and quietly walk me to Jesus.

I don't usually feel helpless, but this week, I'm the guy in Mark 2 and my friends and family are like, "Listen, I will carry you and dig a hole in a roof with my bare hands to make sure you can see Jesus today."

Man, I have the most incredible people in my life! Friends who do not leave me alone. Sisters who will listen when I uncharacteristically swear a lot because I'm feeling furious and helpless and out-of-control and bittersweet and scared and confused but also trying SO HARD to have faith.

Listen, I don't want to over-dramatize the issues happening in my life.  I know there are people out there who would consider my problems 'small,' and in the scope of what others are facing, they'd be right. But in my life, it's everything right now. It's every moment and every breath.

The good news is that my ship is not rudderless. I'm not riding out the waves of this storm aimlessly.  I'm not alone.  I can't see the stars to navigate, but the good news is Heaven can still see me.  And I trust that wherever this ship is going, the arrival port is the right destination.

old valentines

Dear Husband,

Sorry that your valentine is getting old.  In my defense, I couldn't stay 15 forever.  15!  It is hitting me that our son is waaaaaaaaaay closer to the age we got together than I am. If he brings a girl home in nine years and says he's planning to marry her, I'm going to facepalm harder than Jean Luc Picard.  

I like looking back at old pictures of us. Usually, I'm startled by how thick your glasses were (Lasik FTW!) and frightened at my glittery, iridescent eye shadow which only seems to accent the hideous red eye.  Thanks for marrying me despite my alien face!

Life is so weird right now, but we are stronger together.  My biggest prayer for us is unity as we fight daily battles, some big and some small.  I thought marriage was hard until we had kids. I thought parenting was hard until we became foster parents.  

What's the next step? What's the next call? Let's find out together...

Love,

Wife

PS I miss hiking.

here's how i'll make you laugh

Everybody's angry all the time right now. I feel like America hasn't recovered from an angry election season, so now we're angry about everything. Super bowl - ANGRY!  News - ANGRY!  Weather - ANGRY! People are picketing, carrying signs, protesting, marching... I'm not against it, I'm just saying there's a lot of angry to go around.

The Bad Blood (thank you, Taylor) has infected me, too, and as I look back, I've been a little angry on my blog lately.  But I'm not angry overall, I'm actually quite at peace with most of my life right now!

So, for a warm-up chuckle, please look to the left and know that when my three-year-old son put this on, he walked over and said, "Look, Mommy, I'm Iron Man."

I don't remember this part of the movie. (I tweeted the pic to Robert Downey Junior. I'll let you know if he replies.)

So, as promised, a laugh.  This is my new favorite story, sorry if you've already heard it...

(Side note: My husband has certainly heard it because never has there been a moment in the last sixteen years that I've shown him something new. He always does this annoying thing where he smiles pleasantly and chuckles, then says something like, "I laughed really hard the first time I saw that." ANNOYING! I swear, he has a full-time job, but somehow he is able to see EVERY FUNNY VIDEO on the internet before me, the so-called "work at home mom.")

I digress. The story:

So, a police officer is doing a routine check near an elementary school with his canine partner. After they finish the sweep, he notices a little boy come outside. He puts the dog in the back seat, then turns to say hello. The boy asks, "Is that a dog in the back of your cruiser?" "Yes," the officer answers. The kid waits for a moment, then looks up and asks, "What'd he do?"

abortion, foster care, rape, and keeping my mouth shut

So, I guess when people are publicly posting on Facebook, I'm allowed to publicly re-post their nonsense, right? (I'm not using their names at least, although, I doubt they'd be ashamed of themselves.) A friend of mine posted an interesting article about abortion, citing the rights of females -- namely, the unborn ones who were being annihilated. Somehow, the discussion turned into how I am a rapist. Yes, you read that right. They didn't use my name, but apparently foster parents are in it to rape kids. Think I'm kidding? Here are a few of the most *interesting* comments that people posted. Again, to clarify, this wasn't some public pro-choice forum, this was a friend of mine, who happens to have a rather unique perspective on the matter due to her own history as a sixteen-year-old mom.

I get people are against abortions, on the flip side I have seen the malnourished abused result of children who were unwanted initially but religion and family forbade abortion and adoption. Then with what's been in the paper with kids in the foster system being abused, raped , murdered OR ALL THREE, you have to see that sending your kid to an underfunded program like DHS isn't a better option. It is the righteousness of the rich (and yes if you can work, afford your roof over your head and feed your family you are rich) to oppose abortion and the burden of the poor to deal with the consequences.

My thoughts on this... Where to begin? The idea that the life ahead will be difficult can justify murder is basically the entire concept of euthanasia, only without the patient ever agreeing to the "mercy killing." Seems awfully monstrous to me... Mrs. Jones has cancer, so we'll just kill her because the decline would be painful. What does Mrs. Jones think? Oh, her opinion doesn't matter.

What??

Furthermore, while I agree that the foster care system is a general disaster, I don't believe that the primary outcome is each child's rape and murder.  Are you really so committed to your opinion that you are willing to sweepingly accuse 415,000 American foster parents of raping and murdering children?

I understand the way you feel, I just ask you soften your heart and look at the whole picture, not just a fetus that was unwanted will be cared for by no one...

"Unwanted and cared for by no one." Great, it's nice to meet you, I'm "no one!" I will care for that child, and others like me will as well.  (At least the 414,999 of us that aren't rapist/murderers.)

Additionally, I resent your implication that all women who have abortions view a child as "unwanted." What about the women who are uninformed, forced to abort, or confused/tricked by a racist, abortion-minded culture that is trying to eliminate people 'like them'? (Yes, I went there. It's the truth, and the racism in the abortion industry is mind-bendingly awful.) 

Plenty of women who have abortions have other children, already or will in the future, and it's heartless of you to accuse them of being uncaring. Many abortion-minded women earnestly believe they have no other choice, and many fall victim to the lies that have been repeated to them over and over and over.

...if you want to fix the system or help, I can give you numbers to go volunteer drug addicted newborns whose heroine using mothers cannot care for them.

Oh! You have my number! Neat! Yes, as a foster parent, I have cared for a baby born addicted to cocaine. So thanks for the offer, but I'm pretty sure you have NO IDEA what you are talking about. Yes, the cuddling program I think you're referring to does exist, but it is a wildly temporary solution. The system doesn't need more people who have an hour a month to drop-in and drop-out (or worse yet, people who think only of themselves until they are running their mouths online spouting vitriol and hatred). The system needs more people who ACTUALLY CARE and want to commit their lives (not their words) to helping others.

I know it sounds cruel to just say "murder a baby". We all know what this world like~ an unloved unwanted child who is bounced around from foster homes and left on the worlds door step at 18 is not a healthy life option either. 

Again, with the "unloved and unwanted" lie. Stop it! Stop it! You shriek that WE are judgmental for seeking to preserve life while at the same time vilely condemning all abortion-minded women as literal monsters who won't want or love their children or would boot them to the curb at the first opportunity. Do you not hear your own hypocrisy?  There are so, so, so, so few women who have abortions that believe that they are "with child." The lies that prey on them are specifically perpetuated to convince them that 'what' is within them is not a life. Why would ultrasounds be such an effective deterrent to abortion if the women already believed this was a child inside them? The truth is that they have been convinced by the lies of Planned Parenthood (and so-called feminists) that it isn't a human life. The child is NOT unloved and unwanted as you so self-righteously declare. The child has been hidden, lied about, and cloaked behind confusing and misleading medical language in order to prey on vulnerable, scared, and usually economically fragile women.

Bleh. I hate this topic, and I resent that my life and my choices are used to justify an evil of this magnitude. I did keep my mouth shut (or fingers still) on Facebook, because there's no winning an argument against anyone (particularly a stranger) who disagrees with the entire worldview that forms your opinion. Especially when you're typing!  But I'm still addressing it here to fight the idiocy of people who use the brokenness of the foster care system as a justification for abortion.