the things I haven't said to my kids

  • The Farmer in the Dell song is broken forever. I killed it, and I have no regrets.
  • Who are you talking to? You didn't say my name 64 times so I wasn't listening.
  • How oh how oh how do you destroy clothing so quickly? Are you actually Edward Scissorhands?
  • I would like to play Chutes and Ladders with you again, but I'm afraid that if I do, my brain will melt.
  • If I step on another Lego today, your vocabulary is going to rapidly multiply in new and creative ways.
  • I don't want to play that, so I'm going to stand here at the stove and pretend to cook dinner instead.
  • Your breath is so bad, like worse than I imagine a coyote's would be if he's just eaten a skunk.
  • No, I do NOT know the muffin man. Stop asking. Also, you're terribly off key.
  • That picture doesn't look like a castle. It looks kind of like a box covered in beetles. Did you try to draw a box covered in beetles?
  • This is a toy box and that is the dusty, hidden space under my couch. Why is it hard to tell them apart?
  • What? I didn't hear you. Please repeat yourself in a higher pitch and at a progressively higher volume.
  • Please behead my flowers one by one, leaving a long line of bedraggled green stalks that represent the herbivore edition of Game of Thrones.